July 30,2006
It is now 6:24 am I have been up for hours now, in pain. I always wake up at night. I went to bed at 11:45 later than usual. I woke up about 4am, to the usual pain, pain, pain. I get my usual meds in me, but my body still reacts to the pain I feel. It has quited down enough that I no longer moan. But as I sit typing or trying to watch TV the tears roll down my face. To which I have either gotten so use too or no longer pay any attention too. The brain is made in such a way that when we have physical stressors or physical pain this is a response to that pain. I really don't even realize I do it any more, until I have to get up to wipe my face because it is soaked. I am not even aware that I carry tissues and have them stuffed everywhere. This has went on for so long I don't even think about it anymore. This is me, I don't want pity, I am just writing about my life and how pancreatitis affects our lives, mine in particular for this blog. I can't fathom that 10 years of this nastiness has passed by me.
In addition to the pancreas pain, I am having some issues with the implanted pump (intrathecal pump) when it was placed I had some complications. Apparently I had unknown arthritis of the spine, what was suppose to be a relatively easy procedure was a nightmare. I woke to the feeling of my toes on the left foot feeling like hot saws were cutting on them. I took off the provided hospital socks ( only lt sock) and knowning everybody in surgery because my husband works there. For some reason everyone felt the need to touch that uncovered foot, sending shooting pain up my leg. By the time I got to my hospital bed, it was worse. The Dr. at the time, said he thought he touched the L-4 nerve root ganglion attempting to get the catheter in. I was laying in the bed screaming asking the nurse to help me. All she wanted was to get her assessment done and finish my history and physical. My husband was begging her to do something, while I screamed and cried. Eventually he had enough of her questions ( Mrs. Atwell how many times a week do you have a bowel movement) I was obviously distressed, my husband left the room to get her supervisor. They all stood around my bed, looking, the supervisor says to my husband" well how does she usual act" He told she is in chronic pain, but this is different, he finally got tired of it and went and got the Dr. He started telling them orders to which they stated " we can't do that here, she has to be on a monitor for that, we aren't prepared for that here". supervisor said " if you write it then maybe" I heard him say " shit" and left the room. Prior to the nursing supervisor coming into the room, I told my husband " take the pillow out from under my head, smoother me with it, put it back under my head, walk out and let them find me and call you and tell you they found me dead" I was serious, his reply " Lisa I can't do it" I begged him, I realize now that was more than he could do, I just could not take anymore. The Dr. did give me an IV injection of versed to calm me down and ordered IV steriods to calm down that irritated nerve. On occasion I will feel that twinge down my left leg and it is quite painful. I tried taking Advil once, without food wouldn't recommend it. It was like taking battery acid about 40 minutes later. I will be glad once the tp/ict is over maybe in a year from now the pump can just totally be shut down. They tell me now that is the beauty of the old style pumps, they can fill them with sterile saline and then shut them off, they are there if you need them otherwise just shut it down. That is my goal shut it down. I am just trying to make it day to day until the surgery. The surgery, the surgery. I want it done and over with and to all ready be back home recouperating. I have said before it is happening right on time, much more of this and I would need a major medication increase. I don't want to increase the meds in the pump, it will just be more to have to detox off of, and that really isn't so bad, but if I can avoid it I will.
I guess it is the old nurse in me but I am a planner, plan, plan my life away. I have considered even writing out funeral arrangement, I have to have it the way I would want it. One can never be too prepared. What songs, what clothes, all that type of stuff. I learned early in life the only way to get something done, is to do it yourself. It is to time consuming to talk others through what ever the issue and they don't usually care what ever the issue is anyway.
I am contemplating getting one of the video services that delivers movies to the door. You pick out your wish list and when you return one then they send you another. If nothing else just for a few months. There are alot of movies that I would like to see, I just don't take the time to watch them. I think I have adult attention deficit disorder, always on the move, never sit down, until I am so painful I have no other choice. Maybe it comes from being a single parent and doing all the jobs that 2 people should normally do. Previous to pancreatitis, I worked as a nurse, mowed the grass, shoveled snow. Kept the house up; inside and out and did all the cooking, cleaning that had to be done. I even once had a life where I could plant flowers. Flowers in the yard, love them. Especially periannuals they are such a gift. Back every year like clock work, short lived but back every year. I can't wait to do this again. I once loved to decorate my home. We have since moved and I haven't had the strength to do major things to our home. It has the potential to be a nice house. I really am quite particular about how my house is kept. I have never understood people who get up go to work and live like pigs, for heavens sake it is hard earned money, why make an investment and then not take care of it. I do however need to let others in the house take responsibility for their part in the upkeep. They know if they don't do it, that Lisa will eventually see to it that it is done. My own fault I suppose, I refuse again to live like a pig. What I have I worked myself almost to death for and I refuse to let it fall apart.
I am beginning to get sleepy, so off to bed I go. Another Sunday of missing Church, hopelully God understands? I can't wait to go to bed at night and get up the next day, ready to tackle the day.