July 23,2006
Purple my favorite color. Yes, it is beautiful. Every flower, or at least most that I have ever planted in my life is purple. My wedding dress I wore was actually purple. The picture that was posted yesterday was drawn by my talented husband. Why he puts up all my non sense I will never know. It would be so much easier for him to just walk away.
I woke up this morning at 3 to the sound of my own voice. It was about 3:10 the only thought I had was, they programmed my pump to give me 0.5 mg extra of morphine why am I doing this. Then I thought " boy I would really hate to think what it would have felt like without the extra medication" I stayed up until about 7 am cruising the internet. Not much out there when your in pain. I then went back to bed and slept until almost 12:30pm. I had my husband shut the door so the cats wouldn't walk on the head board and fall off. Or try to get to the dresser that has the old tube feeding bottle that I switched out when it went dry ( cats can smell milk a mile away, trust me on that one)
My days are filled with nothingness, to painful to get involved in anything, it takes enough pain medication to just sit. I haven't gotten dressed today. I did get dressed yesterday, it lasted about 3 hours. I have although brushed my hair, yea for me. I am quite the critic of late. Don't have anything to say and when I do say anything it is usually not very nice. It is not anyone at this houses fault, but sometimes we take things out on those we love the most. Not intentionally but just because they are here. My husband never waivers in his resolve to me, and his faith is much more than my lately. He believes that God will see us through. I am ashamed to say it " but I have given up that on that one" " Is there a God that would let us go through such things?" I don't know anymore. The gates of Heaven are boarded shut and locked or so it seems to me. Honesty is what you'll get from me. Am I damned to hell for this one, only He that made me knows that one for sure. Is this hell, you betcha. Hell for all involved. Would it not be easier for the insurance company to just come right to my house and put a bullet in my head. Yea, and right now I wish one of them had the guts to do it. I would probably help them, I know I would let them in. In the end we live in an unjust world, and people everyday die from the indirect hand of people with far too much power. The power of the written word, the power to make decisions that affect and effect the whole world. This world is a cesspool of what it was intended to be. I know one thing for sure "you reap what you sow" and for those in the decision making processes of life, they will get what they have coming eventually. We may never see it or hear about it, but I have known for years " what goes around comes around" I am going to try and download of picture of me attempting to get comfortable today, not a pretty sight.
Purple my favorite color. Yes, it is beautiful. Every flower, or at least most that I have ever planted in my life is purple. My wedding dress I wore was actually purple. The picture that was posted yesterday was drawn by my talented husband. Why he puts up all my non sense I will never know. It would be so much easier for him to just walk away.
I woke up this morning at 3 to the sound of my own voice. It was about 3:10 the only thought I had was, they programmed my pump to give me 0.5 mg extra of morphine why am I doing this. Then I thought " boy I would really hate to think what it would have felt like without the extra medication" I stayed up until about 7 am cruising the internet. Not much out there when your in pain. I then went back to bed and slept until almost 12:30pm. I had my husband shut the door so the cats wouldn't walk on the head board and fall off. Or try to get to the dresser that has the old tube feeding bottle that I switched out when it went dry ( cats can smell milk a mile away, trust me on that one)
My days are filled with nothingness, to painful to get involved in anything, it takes enough pain medication to just sit. I haven't gotten dressed today. I did get dressed yesterday, it lasted about 3 hours. I have although brushed my hair, yea for me. I am quite the critic of late. Don't have anything to say and when I do say anything it is usually not very nice. It is not anyone at this houses fault, but sometimes we take things out on those we love the most. Not intentionally but just because they are here. My husband never waivers in his resolve to me, and his faith is much more than my lately. He believes that God will see us through. I am ashamed to say it " but I have given up that on that one" " Is there a God that would let us go through such things?" I don't know anymore. The gates of Heaven are boarded shut and locked or so it seems to me. Honesty is what you'll get from me. Am I damned to hell for this one, only He that made me knows that one for sure. Is this hell, you betcha. Hell for all involved. Would it not be easier for the insurance company to just come right to my house and put a bullet in my head. Yea, and right now I wish one of them had the guts to do it. I would probably help them, I know I would let them in. In the end we live in an unjust world, and people everyday die from the indirect hand of people with far too much power. The power of the written word, the power to make decisions that affect and effect the whole world. This world is a cesspool of what it was intended to be. I know one thing for sure "you reap what you sow" and for those in the decision making processes of life, they will get what they have coming eventually. We may never see it or hear about it, but I have known for years " what goes around comes around" I am going to try and download of picture of me attempting to get comfortable today, not a pretty sight.
posted by Lisa Atwell | 6:53 PM
1 Comments:
WOW I feel your pain (emotionally). Having lived with Jerry thru it. HUG THOSE CATS!! i was amused to see they do to you, as our 2 do to jerry! jerry would soak in a tub of hot water to ease pain, and those cats will sit in bathroom the entire time ! sometimes hours on end. where hegoes in the house THEY GO! they talk to him and rarely talk to me. although i hug on them all the time but jerry is with them 24/7! Many times hes said they were a life preserver! My fem sleeps with jerry on his bed, but the male will curl up near jerry no matter where he is and if allowed would get ON him but the dang cats each are near 20lbs. jerry spoils them rotten! we too lost a cat and it killed us all to do it but we had to to be kind. Anyhow i know the too many nights being up with pain and suffering. JUST KNOW these times are numbered!! HANG IN THERE~!!
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