July 9, 2006

I picked gray as my color for the day. I haven't felt well for a few days now. The afternoons get better, but the nights and the mornings well they just truly suck. I am tired of hearing myself yell. I wake up to the sounds of my own painful moaning, and then realize it is me. The pain, Oh, does it ever end. I had taken break thru pain medication 3 times by 12N today. It started at 3am as usual; take my medication and lay there with the TV on waiting for it to work. I think that once I hook up the tube feeding it makes it worse. Dr. Sutherland did tell me he had never seen a tube feeding stop the pain. He said it was like eatting, sure seems like it to me. I know that I can't eat enough to sustain myself. At least my finger nails are growing again, and the little stubs of hair that had broken off are about 2 inches long. That's about the most postive thing I can say for thousands of dollars of tube feedings including the insertion and the rental cost of the pump and pole.
I made hotel reservations for my husband yesterday. I looked at the calendar today and in a month I will be in Minnesota. I am ready for thumpy ( what we call my pancreas) to be out. I wish they could have made the date a little sooner. We live to learn to be more patient. Not our time, but God's time. I haven't been the Godly little trooper I should be, I almost fell down our basement stairs the other day, and said some pretty foul stuff. It really scared me though. I am getting irritated at the smallest things. I don't know if it is the pain, lack of nicotine or just nerves. The smoking thing isn't going the greatest either. One thing is I am starving, I can't eat anything, can't drink anything, so what the heck am I suppose to do. I broke out this old pillow case I was hand embroidering for something to do with my hands. It is so ever blasted ulgy, why did I pick butterflies with sunflowers? Who knows, must have been popular 5 years ago when I started it.
I have a friend that has the tp/ict on Monday, she called today in great spirits. Actually best yet. I am happy for her. This just isn't a life that anyone should have. I don't want pity or people to feel sorry for me. I just sometimes wish that people would acknowlegdge there is a problem. A real problem. I don't want to hear, we are believing that God will heal you. Has it happened yet, NO! No I have to have just about internal organ I have left remove with the exception of my heart and lungs. I guess they don't know what to say. Let me start with a hint, the worst thing to say to someone that is sick is this " Well gee you don't look sick" or Wow you look really good today. One that makes us think the last time you saw us we looked terrible. The gee you don't look sick makes me instantly think " they don't believe it". I have never been one to hold my tongue. I am a straight forward ace in the hole. Tell you like it is, try to keep from hurting your feelings; but if you ask me if I like the outfit you have on and I don't I will tell you truthfully " No I don't like it". It is the same with gift giving. I stopped that many years ago. Now I go buy what I want and hand it to the person and say " Thanks you bought this for me for my birthday" I don't care if I get the money back. There is only one way to make sure you get what you want buy it yourself. So much for my grey day, thank you Lord it is almost 6 pm it is almost over. It will begin again promptly around 3 am that I know for sure. Thumpy your days are numbered, soon it will be your hours are number. Dear pancreas I promise this, you will be laying on a table and then stuck in a solution to dissolve the only good thing about you and the rest I hope they burn. If I didn't need what you held so near and dear I would personally ask for you to stomp on you. Enough said.