July 16,2006
Another week gone by. Getting closer to surgery. I will be glad with this is all over and I am back home. I don't want to leave home, it is my safe harbor, but unless we step out nothing will ever change.
The pain has been a real challenge this week. I am having great difficulties doing what I need to do. I also lack the energy. I am always so tired, that is one of the things about pancreatitis, the fatique is awful. If your not in pain, your too tired to do anything. Sometimes I just have to go to bed for a couple of days and sleep. However, this does seem to help. It is once I am back up, the things that I would have or should have been doing are backing up around me ( laundry, dished,) you get the idea.
Then you wear yourself out again, trying to accomplish the things that are never ceasing.
I missed church again, even went to bed early to go, once the alarm went off, I didn't have enough strength and the pain was to hard to get controlled. I looked at the clock and it was 9:29 not enough time to get ready. I would have been miserable anyway. I checked my e-mail and then went back to lay down, I got terribly sick to my stomach so back to bed for me.
I am spending more and more days in my nightgown, clothing is too uncomfortable. When I do get dressed it is only for a few hours. I think this surgery is coming at the right time, waiting any longer and I will be way too sick.
I have had 2 friends from the internet boards I belong to have this surgery done in the last 2 weeks, and they have had some complications. Hopefully these will be slight set backs and there healing process will begin to kick in and they will get the life they so desperately want.
Some how we learn to live with this, is it God's grace that gets us through. I can't answer that one right now. It surely must be because I haven't the strength for this much more. I remind myself once again that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God almighty. Nothing surprises him, him the one that numbers the hairs on my head. Him the Great I AM, Him the author and perfector of my faith. I look up to the hills from where my help comes from, for he is with me, carrying me every step of the way that I cannot carry myself. God's will be done.
I think more and more about my husband, daughter and cats. What would their lives be like if I didn't come back. Would they be better off? My grandma once told me about her husband dyings and this is her statement " you never get over it, but someday you learn to live with it". I feel that way about pancreatitis, the person I was died along time ago. The desires the dreams the ideas, the everything is based apon the actions of one diseased organ. If you let it; it will take everything from you. It is a day to day fight sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute. I know that the days of this organ dictating my life are short. Soon it will be out and then life will go on, the way it was suppose to be. Then the things that I had once taken forgranted will become important again, hopefully. I don't want to even think if this surgery is a failure, if it is then I have done everything humanly possible to have rid myself from the monster inside me. I am ready for life to begin again. For some purpose other than maintain pain control. There has to be life away from pancreatitis, there just has to be.
Another week gone by. Getting closer to surgery. I will be glad with this is all over and I am back home. I don't want to leave home, it is my safe harbor, but unless we step out nothing will ever change.
The pain has been a real challenge this week. I am having great difficulties doing what I need to do. I also lack the energy. I am always so tired, that is one of the things about pancreatitis, the fatique is awful. If your not in pain, your too tired to do anything. Sometimes I just have to go to bed for a couple of days and sleep. However, this does seem to help. It is once I am back up, the things that I would have or should have been doing are backing up around me ( laundry, dished,) you get the idea.
Then you wear yourself out again, trying to accomplish the things that are never ceasing.
I missed church again, even went to bed early to go, once the alarm went off, I didn't have enough strength and the pain was to hard to get controlled. I looked at the clock and it was 9:29 not enough time to get ready. I would have been miserable anyway. I checked my e-mail and then went back to lay down, I got terribly sick to my stomach so back to bed for me.
I am spending more and more days in my nightgown, clothing is too uncomfortable. When I do get dressed it is only for a few hours. I think this surgery is coming at the right time, waiting any longer and I will be way too sick.
I have had 2 friends from the internet boards I belong to have this surgery done in the last 2 weeks, and they have had some complications. Hopefully these will be slight set backs and there healing process will begin to kick in and they will get the life they so desperately want.
Some how we learn to live with this, is it God's grace that gets us through. I can't answer that one right now. It surely must be because I haven't the strength for this much more. I remind myself once again that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God almighty. Nothing surprises him, him the one that numbers the hairs on my head. Him the Great I AM, Him the author and perfector of my faith. I look up to the hills from where my help comes from, for he is with me, carrying me every step of the way that I cannot carry myself. God's will be done.
I think more and more about my husband, daughter and cats. What would their lives be like if I didn't come back. Would they be better off? My grandma once told me about her husband dyings and this is her statement " you never get over it, but someday you learn to live with it". I feel that way about pancreatitis, the person I was died along time ago. The desires the dreams the ideas, the everything is based apon the actions of one diseased organ. If you let it; it will take everything from you. It is a day to day fight sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute. I know that the days of this organ dictating my life are short. Soon it will be out and then life will go on, the way it was suppose to be. Then the things that I had once taken forgranted will become important again, hopefully. I don't want to even think if this surgery is a failure, if it is then I have done everything humanly possible to have rid myself from the monster inside me. I am ready for life to begin again. For some purpose other than maintain pain control. There has to be life away from pancreatitis, there just has to be.
posted by Lisa Atwell | 4:22 PM
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