July 10,2006
I guess I am in what we call full blown pancreatitis. I have not been dressed since Friday, yes same night gown I put on Friday night. I think I did manage to brush my hair once. I wonder if people come across this and think yeah right, nobody can be this sick. Well I am here to tell you that those of us with pancreatitis, get this sick and we can get sicker than this.
I was suppose to have my male kitten at the vet between 7-8 am today for his neutering. What kind of people make these appointments. I am just going back to sleep at 5 am after being up most of the night. I am never out of bed before 8:45 am. Never. Call me lazy today I really don't care. I am not a lazy person, I get most all of the groceries that come in here, put them up and cook them and by the way I don't eat them ( I have a tube feeding) I do all the laundry that is done around here, wash just about every dish, iron clothes, sweep floors the only thing I can't do is mop or scrub the tub. The repeative motion causes too much pain. I have a lady that mops for me once a month. I usually take a wet cloth and kick it around the kitchen to clean up spills, and that is the truth I use my foot to push it around in the corners and then in the middle of the kitchen. Would it hurt anyone around here to mop, no , but then I know better than to ask.
My daughter Ashley saved the day by getting the kitten to the vet, thank you LORD. He is becoming man cat around here. Yesterday I found a bite mark on my lady cat from where he has been being mean to her. Without those testicles he will calm himself down a whole lot. I looked at him last night those sweet little ( devilish eyes, he is a stinker) and thought I can't do it too him, it will hurt him to bad. These cats at times are the only thing I have to talk too,.I spend so much time alone, with my husband and daughter at work and then both go to school also. I guess I didn't get them from the shelter to be mean to them I got them because everyone else wanted them. I knew I couldn't handle 2 cats, but with the death of our other cat. My family wanted more cats, you guessed it, I feed them, clean their litter boxes, do just about everything for them. The last picture I posted was of my Sheba she has gone to be with Jesus now, but she is far from forgotten. I miss her terribly, she was me in cat form. We had the same personalities, she was so sick. She had triaditis, inflammation of the pancreas, liver and biliary tree, which is a precursor to cancer. She was too sick to continue to live, so I did the thing that cat owner's who love their pets do. I stayed with her while she was put to sleep. There are times I wish that was available for us, it was ever so peaceful.
I have been to sick for too long this time and am becoming quite cynical. There have been times in my life, where I have sat and pondered what did I do to deserve this. I have even said that I was sorry for what ever I did that caused this to happen. I once had the idea that it had to be a punishement for some grave Sin I committed.
Church, is another touchy subject to me now. A few years back they would call me and ask me to fix meals for people that had experienced a death in their family. A birth of a child you name it they call. I started missing church alot this spring ( because of pancreatitis) I get these letters in the mail from our Pastor that say " when your not here your presence is missed" so I make myself go the next Sunday sitting in a pew crying because my back hurts so bad and then the Pastor wasn't there ( he was preaching somewhere else). He knew when he sent me that letter he wasn't going to be there. I don't get it. There have been many times they have repeatedly asked me about pancreatitis. I have had multiple procedures in the last year and been to many different Drs. out of town. We have never recieved one meal ( remember I don't eat). They know that I have pancreatitis, I told myself the last Sunday I went this is the last time, I will not sit in these pews crying in pain. God ( Jesus) knows that I am sick and he understands. I have heard offer it up as a sacrifice of Praise to him. Believe this getting out of bed on Sunday at 8am is sacrifice enough, let alone sit there in misery. It is very obvious to the reader I am grouchy, I am in pain, and I have had about ALL that is humanly possible in the form of pancreatitis.
This disease is more than a disease of the organs in our gut. It makes us hateful from pain, it takes every ounce of enery that we have. There is no life away from it, everything is based apon do I have enough pain medication, do I have enough tube feeding supplies. What do I do if I get to the store and can't finish my shopping. What if I wrecked my car, would they say I am under the influence because I have the intrathecal pump and had pain meds this morning. Would the insurance actually pay a claim if I had one. These are things that people with normal lives don't think about. Yea, the insurance carrier knows I have the pump, but I am not stupid enough to ask should I be driving? Don't get the idea that I sit around " stoned" all the time, it doesn't work that way. I am lucky, if I get relief from the sledge hammer pounding into my back, and the red hot poker or dagger that feels as though it is slowly being pushed into my rt rib area.
I keep hoping that the next day will be better, I have done this now for 10 years. There is of course acute exacerbations of the disease process that make it more painful, as if the daily pain weren't enough.
Someone asked me the other day if this was a release for me, because reading it was a release for them. I haven't figured that out yet. Somedays it seems like one more task to do, other days not so bad.
I have avoided having my picture taken for years, so that if I died my family wouldn't have to relive any of this, so there aren't alot of pictures of me. I regret that one, take pictures, illness is apart of life, just as birth is. Don't let pancreatitis get in your way of life anymore than it already does or had. I will check my archives and see what I can find.